When You and Your Financial Partner Aren’t On The Same Page
My spouse and I don’t often argue about money anymore. But it wasn’t always this way. Back when we first were married and merged our finances, we would quite often have minor disagreements that sometimes turned into full blown wars over how we spent (or didn’t spend) our money. The underlying cause was of course a lack of communication about the reasons behind our differing positions, but it wasn’t because we didn’t talk. We both assumed the other was aware of things that they really weren’t, and based our arguments from that position instead of really getting down into the underlying financial realities.
Once we started talking about the actual facts of our situation, instead of making assumptions that were incorrect, we became a team in handling our finances instead of adversaries. This is the process we took to get there.
Make Sure Everyone’s Aware of the Actual Situation
I was (and still am) the primary handler of the day to day finances. I paid all the bills, so I had a much better idea than my spouse of how much money came in and went out and how they related to each other. I assumed he was as aware as I was, but he wasn’t. Most of our arguments stemmed from that simple fact - our expenses and our income were very close to the same, but since he didn’t realize that, he wanted to spend more money on non-essentials than we really could afford. Once I drew up an income/expenses sheet (with a list of our monthly expenses and how that compared to our monthly income, broken down into types) and explained it all to him, he was much more in tune with our financial reality and much more willing to put off or forego a non-essential expense - and much more on board with working towards becoming more financially stable.
Compromise is the Name of the Game
Sticking to your position with no room for discussion rarely ends well. You may have to, depending on what your situation is, but there is usually some room for compromise. Try not to react immediately in the negative to the other’s position. Listen, reflect, and figure out a middle ground you can meet in. Maybe you want to have the ability to spend how you choose. Maybe your partner does. And maybe there isn’t really any flexibility in the budget to allow you to spend. You may have to start with a tiny bit of flexibility, like $5 a week (or even less, we’ve done it!) and as you work towards improving your financial position, slowly increase the flexibility. Things only get better if you accept reality and work from there.
Long Term Goals Vs Short Term Realities
Understanding what you are working towards is important. Saying “I want an allowance to spend how I want” or “We can’t spend money on anything until things get better” might be valid points, but working short term realities into a long term scenario shows why what happens now is important for the future. Be specific - try to avoid things like “until it gets better” or “I want to spend what I want”. Draw up a detailed plan for how what you are doing now with your money will improve the future, and also how you can get to a place where both of you are having some of your needs (to spend or to save) met. Specific benchmarks such as certain income, savings, or debt reduction milestones can work wonders for motivation and get you on the same page.
Getting to a place of agreement about money management may not always be easy, but if both people are willing to listen and do the work, it can be done. Working together towards your common goal is a much smoother ride than working at cross-purposes. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and then start opening those lines of communication today.
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June 2nd, 2009 at 8:06 am
Good points. My husband and I are often not on the same financial page. He usually wants to spend more than I do - and I think you’re right - he just doesn’t know the reality of how much comes in and goes out each month. Now the real trick will be to get him to LOOK at the numbers (he doesn’t like to)!
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:12 am
Being on the same page and communicating is key.
My ex only enjoyed spending the money. She didn’t care about bringing it in and knew nothing about the bills. Harmoney went out the window when I told her we couldn’t continue the “party” as I called it.
My second, and final, wife and I discuss and plan things together– there are no surprises.
June 2nd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
For the most part my DH & I are on the same wavelength, but he is clearly the “spender” in the relationship. I went away for the weekend only to be greeted with a $1000 purchase (an “improved” surround sound system). I think he expected an explosion. NOPE!! Just don’t have the energy to do that any more. So…I quietly explained that I’m clipping coupons & struggling to save $$$ (though we are debt free), it just wasn’t fair. So at the present time, we have agreed to a spending moritorium. We discussed the need to “feed the beast”…when is it ever enough? First it was the new flat screen, followed by the Blu-Ray player & now the new surround sound. I asked “when is beast going to be satisfied?” I don’t think he had viewed it that way. So…sometimes an offereing of a different perspective helps, but it’s all about compromise.
Communication is critical on all levels. How can you discuss $$$ if you aren’t speaking to each other…..the basic fundamentals of marriage need to be addressed.
You made some great points..I always enjoy your commentary & suggestions…Thanx!!
June 2nd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I *JUST* read this on CNN Money before clicking over here! Funny how that works… It’s a great article on a married couple with different investing strategies. It’s a good read…
http://money.cnn.com/2009/01/22/pf/makeover_opposites.moneymag/index.htm
I was raised by my very frugal mom to take care of all finances and save for a rainy day. And my husband was fine with that … but secretly wondered if I was saving for a rainy day WITHOUT him. Deep right? So anyway, after a long talk it was decided that I would still handle the bill paying and savings, however, I would make sure he had access to all of our online bill paying and know when/how much was paid and what was left over.
It’s actually really nice having him see the actual figures instead of just hearing me say “We don’t have any money until payday..” This way, he really gets it - the money is NOT there. Or the money is there but it’s for a big bill on the 1st.
We are debt free minus some kitchen remodel expenses that we have on a 0% card. It’s a good feeling and we’d like to keep it that way. We both agree that our spending philosophy is “Nice but not TOO nice.” We can have nice things but we don’t go overboard buying top of the line things. For example, when we bought our kitchen appliances we got upgraded models but didn’t get the most expensive thing in the store. When my husband “needed” a new shotgun (oh gosh…) he opted for a discounted clearance model that was $800 less than the super excellent top of the line model he had been thinking of. I think coming up with a good compromise and a strategy that both people can live with is a good start.
Just my two cents….:)
June 2nd, 2009 at 8:37 pm
I know what you mean. I am happy to say that I recently wrote about just how far my husband has come in the three years we’ve been together. He was a chronic spender. He bought first, thought later.
I’d find tons of little charges that added to tons of money (at least, for us) and when I’d ask what all the charges were, he’d have no idea. He’d have to sit down and try to go back over the last few days. It was always things like a hot dog at a convenience store, etc.
One of the hardest things to change was to get him to eat before leaving the house. Otherwise, he’d end up somewhere, stranded and with hunger pangs. And I obviously couldn’t just tell him, “Oh, deal with the horrible, stomach-cramping pain. It’s your fault.”
At any rate, lately, he’s totally stepped up his game. As he sees our debt dissolving, despite our reduced circumstances, he has started to have an actual dialogue about our purchases. He checks per-unit prices now.
It’s nice to feel like we’re finally on the same page and I’m not having to play “mom” all the time by saying no.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Fantastic post!! It is imperative for couples to discuss the financial situation of the household. Communicating with each other not only helps you both get on the same page about money matters, it will also help you understand the thought process of your spouse which will improve your relationship as a whole.