Your Turn: Tell Me What I Need To Do
As this morning’s post said, my dad passed away last night. Honestly, I’m still a big ball of raw emotion mixed with shock.
But that’s why I’m writing this post. My dad was the one that handled everything financial in my family. Not just for my mom, but for my two younger brothers too (they are grown ups and should do it themselves, but that is a topic for a different post). I have a handle on teaching my brothers how to fend for themselves, but there are so many things to think about when someone dies in regards to the spouse. I need to help my mom go on living and am asking you, my readers, colleagues, friends, to help me think of all the financial things we need to do (and really, anything else maybe too).
I am leaving tomorrow morning (flying, thank you emergency fund) for my mom’s house (it hurts so much to not type “parents”) and will be there until Sunday. All I have thought of so far is:
- Get a list of bills they need to pay each month
- Figure out what my dad paid via online billpay and get his passwords. My mom says that my dad made a list but she doesn’t know where it is. If I can’t find it, start calling people to get passwords changed.
- Start calling everything to let them know my dad died… like the bank and stuff, I guess.
- Talk to Social Security about the lump sum survivor benefit thing for my mom, which is like $255.
- Talk to Social Security about my mom’s survivorship benefits. Don’t know what we are doing via that but want to know options (she is 59 so she couldn’t take them yet but want info, they can start as early as 60).
- Figure out my dad’s life insurance. he has it, no clue how much or what.
- Talk to my dad’s work about what benefits etc he might have through there, and how much pay he’s owed
My dad had a filing cabinet he kept all his important papers in, so I think I can locate most everything of a financial nature. My mom and brother are taking care of the funeral arrangements before I get there, but I will help with that all I can.
There is probably a lot more I haven’t thought of. Anyone with experience in this, if you have an idea of things I should do, please leave a comment and let me know. Eventually I’ll turn it into a post to help other people who are shocked into reality, like me. He wasn’t even sick.
Thank you so much for all of your comments and outpouring of support. It really means so much to me. I am grateful for all the people who have come to be part of my life through this journey out of debt and into a better financial future.
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January 19th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
My only piece of advice is to get everything changed over to your mom’s name ASAP, take your dad’s name off of all bills, etc. My mother-in-law tried to upgrade her cable last month and they made her fax a death certificate since my father-in-law was the head of the account. He passed away 4.5 years ago.
Again, sorry for your loss.
January 19th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
As the previous post eluded to, you will need death certificates. Not too many but a couple. Most places, like the bank, will require this but will only make a copy of it for their records.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sooo glad your mother, and brothers, have you to help them out. May God be with you and grant you calmness and peace as you go through this.
Before removing your dad’s name from things make sure to check if he had death benefits on any of his bills. Some people have insurance policies on their mortgage, car loans, or even on credit card debt that would either pay off their debt when they die or at least pay some of the debt.
I would also suggest that you find a good counselor for your mom, see if there are any churches around that might do financial counseling, especially for your brothers. Crown financial ministries has a wonderful program that many churches will do for free. If you contact crown they will be able to help you locate churches in the area. Also don’t let your mom make any major changes, such as selling the house, if at all possible for the first year.
Hope some of this helps.
January 19th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Get lots of copies of the death certificate. You will need it for everything.
Also check to see if he had any kind of funeral plan in place. When my FIL passed away, he had already had a pre-paid funeral plan.
It might be a good idea to consult a lawyer, though things should be pretty straightforward, since your mom is the obvious beneficiary. But consulting a lawyer might help you find ways to extend time to pay bills until you have a chance to take a good look at his finances. I’m not sure about probate when a spouse is a survivor, but when we dealt with FIL’s estate, we had to stop paying bills until probate was up, to make sure that all the creditors had ample time to be contacted.
Beyond that, it sounds like you’re headed in the right direction.
My prayers are with you.
January 19th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Try to find out if he had will and/or a Lawyer. If so, call them right away.
January 19th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. My kids lost their dad this summer-he was only 52. From that experience I can only add one thing. It might be a good time to get your name jointly on your mother’s bank accounts, any property, etc. It makes it so much easier when things like this happen. I am sending healing thoughts your way.
Namaste
January 19th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss!
One of the very first things you are going to need to do ASAP is get a copy of your father’s death certificate (or several). The bank, the insurance, and everyone else is going to need it. Your mom - his wife- may need to go with you.
Next, you need to find out if your father died intestate (without a will). If so, it’s probably best for your mother to open her own checking account until things are cleared up. Intestate estates take a long time.
A lot of what you do next, and in what order, depends on the will situation!
Then, check insurance policies.
January 19th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Your funeral director will help secure the death certificate and advise how to make applications for survivor’s benefits from SS and life insurance policies. If your father served in the Armed Forces, there may be issues associate with that, from military honors at the funeral to insurance benefits.
Do not transfer any unsecured credit that was solely in your father’s name to your mother or do anything financial in nature until you determine whether there was a will, and the subsequent need or not for probate.
Take time to deal with the personal. You are all grieving and need to support each other, and you need to ensure your mother is capable of maintaining her household in the short term. A lot of these things can be deferred for a period of time. May God bless your family during this difficult period.
January 19th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
If he was active online, you might want to email his friends and let them know. An elderly man I knew who passed away recently was very active online and his daughter sent an email out to let everyone know. And it’s okay to say “my parent’s house”. He will always be with you, forever in your thoughts. Grief counseling is available from funeral homes so take advantage of that. I’m really sorry that this has happened, my prayers are with you and your family.
January 19th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I agree with Lynnae’s advice to get copies of death certificates and speak to a lawyer.
Please remember to delegate. It can be very overwhelming with everything.
January 19th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been following your blog for a few months, but haven’t commented.
You will have time to notify everyone, but will need to obtain a death certificate before they will change things to your moms name. I work for an investment advisor and have been helping two of our clients who are in the same position your mom is in. Most likely you will find that you will have difficulty changing passwords and getting information from credit card holders, brokerage firms, etc. Let them know the circumstances and ask them to send you paperwork to have it transferred into your mom’s name, they may not be able to give you details such as passwords or account specifics, but should be willing to work with you. If your mom is willing, consider having paperwork drawn up naming a power of attorney, this will make it easier for the family if she were to become incapacitated or unable to handle financial matters herself.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
We got 10 copies of the death certificate when my father died and that seemed to be enough. It’s easier to just get them now than to find out you need more later. Definitely get your name on all of your mother’s bank accounts and other important accounts.
Again, your family is in my thoughts.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
This really isn’t financial, but can be.
I work as a newspaper reporter. If you haven’t had a death in the family in recent years, you may not be aware of the cost of placing obituaries in the newspapers.
I worked on the committee that set my newspaper’s current obituary policy. We created a flat fee for a word limit that was generous enough to cover the majority of our customers’ submissions in recent years. We wanted to handle the typical obituary in a simple, fast, easy-to-understand process.
But you will find in most newspapers that the fee is per word or per line. Therefore it can get very expensive, very fast, to print an obituary, especially when multiple newspapers are involved.
So here is what you want to do:
The eulogy during the service is where you go into a lot of stories.
The prayer cards are where you print the scripture verses that are personally meaningful.
Hand written notes that are personally mailed or delivered to the staff is how you thank the medical personnel.
The printed obituary is where you write a short biography, list the names of the immediate family, post a photo if you like, and announce the services. That’s what the traditional newspaper obituary format included.
Don’t spend lots of money making more of an obituary than what it should be.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
I am so, so sorry. ((HUGS)) Hang in there.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
All good things to be thinking of. As you’re working through all of this, at some point in time your mom will need to write a will also. Many thoughts and prayers are with you during this time.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I know that some airlines offer special “bereavement rates” when flying due to a family member’s death.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
DON’T immediately call credit card issuers and tell them your dad has died! This could cause them to cancel the cards for your mother or to cut the credit limit to a couple of hundred dollars. First, get a couple of cards in her name only. Then, and only then, let the other card issuers know about the change.
I don’t know if they still do this, but they sure did 15 years ago.
You’ll need to figure out about their 2008 taxes. See if he kept any tax records. Do be sure to inform the IRS that he passed.
Jaime. Don’t do anything having to do with debts or other finances until you’ve found out whether he had a will, and if so, who is the executor. There’s no hurry for these folks to know anything, as long as the bills are paid.
If your dad had no will, it would be wise to hire a probate lawyer, because things could get complicated, depending on the laws in the state where your mom and he lived.
Here are a few things things to find out:
Did he have CDs? If so, the heir can usually break into them without penalty before they run their course.
Did he have a 401(k) or IRA? Find out how these things are transferred to your mother and what the effect will be (if any) on her taxes.
How his the deed to the house owned? What does this mean (if anything) in terms of the transfer of title to your mother?
Did he have a safety deposit box? If so, you will need a death certificate and you may need some evidence that you (or your mom) are his executor to get access to it.
Get at least ten death certificates; a dozen may be better. You end up having to fork these over every time you turn around. I found, with my father, that I needed copies of his death certificate a year or two after he was gone.
Did he have life insurance? Did he have any insurance associated with his job, a bank account, a mortgage, or a credit card that might apply in the circumstances?
Did he express any wishes for burial, cremation, or funeral ceremonies? Did he purchase any mortuary or burial arrangements?
Are there any loans your mother didn’t know about?
Are there any bank or credit union accounts she didn’t know about?
Are there any credit cards she didn’t know about?
Did he have vacation time coming, for which his heir should be paid?
Your mother should be eligible for Social Security’s death benefit. She’s not Social Security age, but before she is (you have a while with this), be sure she has an official copy of her marriage certificate and a Social Security card IN HER MARRIED NAME (assuming she took his name), and a copy of her own birth certificate. She may be eligible for his Social Security benefits, if he earned a lot more than she has or if she’s been a SAHM.
This will take you more than a weekend. You’ll probably spend this trip making final arrangements and just being sure her immediate bills can be paid on time. Don’t try to do everything at once.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
So sorry to hear about your dad passing away.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I’m very sorry for your loss.
If you’re father did any sort of military service, he’s probably entitled to be buried in a national cemetery, along with some special features in his funeral. He may also have some life insurance from his time in the service. It’ll be small, but if he’s entitled to it, you mother should get it.
January 19th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Great suggestions; all I can add is that the the Funeral home can be incredibly helpful, as can the bank. Unless he lead a simple life, I’d definitely consider consulting a lawyer (with your mom of course)… changing titles, etc., can be a royal hassle. Make sure there’s enough cash flow for your mom, and don’t measure your love and respect for your father by the cost of the funeral. Your Mom, unless she can support herself, will need all the cash she can hang onto, while waiting for insurance, etc. Accept all offers of food, etc. Brainstorm a list of things you all could delegate to neighbors, friends who might want to help.
Sorry you have to do this. Get some sleep. On your flight, have a notebook our something to keep notes in as you think of stuff.
January 19th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Unfortunately I’ve been through this with both my parents and my first mother-in-law. In addition, my best friend lost one of her children in a house fire.
There is a lot to deal with, most of which needs to be done quickly, at a time when you’re all in shock. Make lists, ask questions, write down answers. Ask again if you look at it later and aren’t clear.
The first things to take care of are getting a death certificate (i.e. having the doctor or coroner write one) and then getting at least 3 or 4 originals as opposed to photocopies. Most places will want to *see* an original and will keep a photocopy of it.
Then there are the funeral arrangements (which you say your mother and sibs are handling). This can be very expensive, even if you don’t have a fancy casket or service. If you don’t already have a plot, you have to buy at least one (and one for your mother so she’ll eventually be beside him?) and you’ll have to pay for the plot(s) and all the funeral costs right away, before the funeral takes place. That was probably one of the bigger shocks I had. It never occurred to me that there wasn’t some kind of payment plan after the fact.
Then, did your father have a will? If not, get an estate lawyer right away. The laws for someone who dies intestate are always complicated and vary from place to place. If he did, do you know where it is? Did he have a safe-deposit box? It may be sealed by the bank until probate so you should hope the will wasn’t in there. We finally found my first m-in-law’s *under the rug in her apartment*! My mother kept a codicil with a list of possessions designated for various people in the bathroom, in the cabinet under the sink!
Life insurance is another big one. Many people have more than one life insurance policy, so make sure you get them all. Most common are a personal policy, one provided as a benefit through work (usually a multiple of his annual salary) and life insurance on a mortgage.
Work policies are good for repaying the cost of the funeral expenses but insurance on the mortgage could be a huge benefit if your folks are still paying for their home. My dad had it and it paid the balance owing on the mortgage even though he died of cancer.
Check for other assets he may have had like stocks or bonds. Go through all the bills, look at his chequebook register (if he had one) and come up with a master list of things to be changed.
Or not. I don’t recommend it, but my mother chose not to notify the credit cards when my father died. This was 27 years ago and she was (probably justifiably) worried that they would close the accounts or reduce the limits even though my parents paid all their bills in full every month. She was very concerned that she might be denied credit at a time when she actually needed to use it in the short term (until the insurance paid out, the pensions kicked in and the bank stuff was straightened out).
Fairly soon in this process (say, within the next month, not tomorrow) you should sit down with your mother and get her to give you a power of attorney and go over her will with her. Even if she has one, it will need to be revised in light of your father’s passing. Make sure her funeral arrangements are in place, find out what she wants in terms of a service, etc.
This sounds hard, but this is probably the *one* time people will really sit down and talk about this sort of thing and take major steps. Why? Because they’re in the middle of dealing with it from the other end and they can see just how difficult it is to be the one left behind wondering where everything is.
In the middle of all of this, take deep breaths, take breaks, talk about happy times, support each other. You usually won’t find everybody breaking down at the same time, except maybe at the funeral itself.
You have my deepest condolences. If there’s anything else I can do to help, let me know.
January 19th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I am very, very sorry for your loss. Having gone through the same situation just two months ago, the feelings are very fresh for me. Lucky for me, my father was 78, so I had him for many more years, at least. Still, we were very close and I miss him every day. (Your comment about saying “my parents’ house” hit close to home.)
Assuming your family are dealing with a reputable local funeral home, the funeral director should be able to guide you through the steps, including copies of the death certificate, the standard cost and format of obituaries, creating prayer cards, etc.
Regarding military service, you will need a copy of the discharge papers for most anything. Perhaps they have a safety deposit box?
We are lucky in that my mother was the accountant/bookkeeper/record keeper for the family. Even so, she had just lost her husband of 56 years and has her own aging issues.
You have received a lot of good advice so far. All I can add is to keep in mind that only a few things must be decided/handled immediately following the death. Take your time, be organized and watch out for scams.
January 19th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
First - I am so, so sorry. Ten years ago, my husband lost his father very suddenly (he was 56). It was tough going for everyone.
Get the fullest financial picture you possibly can for your mom. Be patient with her lack of knowledge about the current state of the finances.
Most of what I would advise is already in the comments; the only thing I would add is that it’s a long process ahead of your mom in taking charge of her financial health. If you can’t be there in-person to help her every day (understand you live quite a distance away), you may want to find a good attorney + good financial advisor to oversee and guide her affairs for the time being.
God bless your family and I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
January 19th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
I’m so very sorry to hear about your dad. And I’m sorry that you have to deal with all these financial things unexpectedly.
My dad passed away two years ago, and one of the things I can share is that you will need many copies of the death certificate. You will have to mail it to the banks (only if you’re choosing to close any accts) and the life insurance people. I would deal with the life insurance first, and just start gathering the monthly bills and try to get that organized. For most things (like the phone bill), you would just have to change the acct to be in your mother’s name instead of your father’s, not cancel it outright.
On the emotional side, I would try to identify some of your mom’s friends and other means of support, people who can help her get through this since you live far away. And do understand that since you’ve jumped into “action mode” dealing with her and these financial needs, you may not really feel your grief until after you come home. Be sure you have your own support system at home to bolster you and help you with your kids when you get back.
Thinking of you…
January 19th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
I am so very sorry for your loss! My SIL committed suicide 4 months ago, which was obviously a great shock to all of us. My only advice would be to not bury yourself in the administration part of it immediately. My FIL did/is doing that, and not giving himself any time to grieve. His major priority has been efficiency, and that just isn’t healthy. Getting it all sorted out will take time anyway, no matter what you do right now, so allow yourself to be with your family and remember your dad and mourn. Look after yourself and your mom and brothers. Lots of hugs.
January 20th, 2009 at 12:02 am
I am so sorry for your loss. How shocking for you. I agree that you should be put on some accounts with your mom right away. Or make sure that you get a lawyer for your mom and get everything put in a trust with you and your siblings as equal executors.
Don’t forget to celebrate your Dad’s life, not just grieve. Find pictures and make some collages for people to see him with his family and grandkids. It really helps to be able to look at good times. Good luck!
January 20th, 2009 at 1:39 am
I lost my dad 4 years ago this month, he was 59. He had no estate, insurance, pension, etc. and therefore no need to get a lawyer. Also, my mother was the financially competent one and wasn’t intimidated by dealing with county and state offices to get some of the more fiddly things taken care of (which, I assume, a lawyer would have done had we needed or had the money for one). So in case you’re not using the services of a lawyer…
The one thing my mom had a problem with was checks that came made out to him after his death. So first, don’t have your mother remove his name from their joint checking account right away or even necessarily inform the bank. Yes, I realize this probably wasn’t entirely kosher, but it was done for simplicity not duplicity, and we’re talking small amounts (uncashed second-to-last paycheck of about $120, late Christmas tip checks of $25-100, etc). Later in the year when it’s time to deal with tax refunds and such, there’s no avoiding it, but by then you’ll all be in a better frame of mind to deal with the hassle of getting checks reissued or adjusted by some county official or another. Anyway, I’m not sure if this is the most upright and responsible piece of advice, but it was certainly practical.
January 20th, 2009 at 5:04 am
((hugs)) Please think about how you can empower your mother to become financially savvy. You won’t be there all the time to help her out, so she needs to be able to take control. This might be the first time in her life that your mother has been in control of her finances. Even if she made joint decisions with your dad, it’s so different when there is no other person to make that joint decision with.
January 20th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Your probably tired of reading this, but get several copies of the death certificate.
Also, whenever possible, fax, or scan and email, a copy of the death certificate therby saving an original. Most credit card companys and long distance type places will accept this as proof of death.
January 20th, 2009 at 7:03 am
My condolences for your loss. You are in our thoughts.
Another place that you might need a death certificate for is the airline you used to fly home. Many airlines have bereavement programs where people flying suddenly home for a family funeral can claim back as much as half the ticket price upon presentation of a death certificate. It is normal to do this after the fact and get reimbursed. I used this program when flying home for my grandmother’s funeral.
January 20th, 2009 at 8:12 am
I am so sorry for your loss!
Lots of good comments on handling the immediate considerations. Once things settle a bit, I would strongly recommend helping your mom establish an estate plan, including putting her house in a living trust with you (and siblings?) listed as successor trustees. While she shouldn’t face probate expense for the house right now, the cost could be high to her heirs in the future.
In addition, make sure you have your OWN estate plan solidly in place. I am 40-something, and just set up mine six months ago. With simple assets, I was able to do it myself, the major issue being putting our house into a living trust. Clearly you’ll have to decide on the best situation for your mom (and yourself), but consider: living trust, power of attorney (financial), health care directive (or health care power of attorney), will, life ins., updated beneficiaries, etc. I have child in college, and I also set up a health-care directive and power of attorney for him. At the same time, I went over my mother’s documents to make sure everything was updated, and in fact we found she had no power of attorney, so we set that up.
In addition, I made a master list of all of my online accounts, login, passwords, list of bills, etc. to prevent the very thing you and your mom have to face with the bills. My spouse and my mother have access, in the event something suddenly happens to me and they have to handle the bills.
My primary thought as I set everything up was to make it all as easy as possible, in the event my spouse, mother, or child had to handle the financial affairs.
Again, my heart goes out to you and your family.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Watch out that mom and brother’s don’t go overboard in the funeral home. My mom did when dad died and to this day (13 years later) she still talks about her regrets in spending so much money on the funeral. She didn’t have a clear head at the time and spent a small fortune and it bothers her still.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Sorry for your loss.
Make sure to check things like credit cards i.e. Amex as they have opportunities to pick up a bit of life insurance. Also our credit union gives $1000 life insurance just for being a member. Every little bit helps.
Funerals are for the living. Don’t spend alot of money on the funeral. It is just his body and nothing more - his soul has gone on to a better place. Why spend money on something he would not even care about?
January 20th, 2009 at 9:28 am
I’m sorry for your loss. I have not experienced it and can only relate from a outside point of view. I, however, like you, am the family anchor. Any crisis, problem, or situation, I am the one they turn to. I don’t mind this but I have often found my self not taking care of my own business during these times.
My piece of advice is to –take care of yourself, — in all aspects, emotional, spiritual, financial, etc. Know your limits and take time each day to have a few minutes to yourself.
Also, make decisions the same as you would any other day. Take a night if possible to think on it. Emotions often cloud your judgment. We all know this when we are on the outside but it is often forget when your deep in the fog.
Take care
Marcus
January 20th, 2009 at 9:33 am
When my dad passed away last year, my mom was given an original death certificate, and certified copies were very cheap. Getting a certified copy after the fact is more expensive, so I recommend getting the original and about 10 certified copies initially.
Also, I was the most financially savvy person in our family, in addition to being the oldest child, so I made monthly trips back home to help mom sort out her finances for the month. Two months of that, and she was able to handle everything on her own. My mom was a lot stronger and more capable than anybody thought, including her. She isn’t rolling in money, but she’s done very well with the amounts she’s had to work with.
Hopefully your mom has a group of friends to support her (emotionally) through this time - having family around is good, but when everybody goes back home and life continues, it can be difficult, and there are some very long, very lonely nights. Staying busy is good, but having time to really grieve is essential.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:37 am
First, my sincere condolences for your loss. Having been through this with my Grandfather and my Dad, I understand how overwhelming and difficult this time can be. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Here are my recommendations:
- Get LOTS of official copies of the death certificate (we had 50 for my grandfather). You’ll need an official copy for each life insurance policy, for the bank, for taxes, for utilities, blah blah blah. And it’s MUCH easier to get them all at one time than to have to go back and get more later.
- Start with your Dad’s company. His HR department will be able to help with any benefits issues.
- Social security will contact your Mom, but it may take a while. If you want to be proactive about it, I’d recommend taking an official copy of the death certificate to her local office, and simply asking a representative what your Mom’s options are (she may need to go with you).
- Gather all of the monthly bills. Make a list of payments, etc. And ask someone else to contact them to let them know about your father’s death, and what their procedure is for name changes, etc. (You’ve got lots to do, and people are going to want to help. There’s no reason not to have someone else call the phone company, in my opinion.)
- I’m not sure who carried your Mom’s health insurance, but if it was through your Dad’s employer, you’ll want to look at her options sooner rather than later.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:45 am
I also want to express my sympathy. I lost my dad when he was only 57 and I well remember how hard that was. My only advice is–before you notify banks– make sure to take some cash out for you mom–just in case she has any trouble with the banks. God Bless you and yours in this hard time.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Get a big binder - divide into categories for banks, investments, insurance policies, etc. It’s so important to stay organized at a time like this. Get a good probate attorney who will take most of the legal burdens off you. When my Mom passed, the funeral director suggested 2 dozen death certs. I thought he was nuts - we used all but two. Get your Dad’s name off stuff as soon as you can, and get one of you on accounts as a signer - this will help tremendously, esp. when your Mom gets older. Trust in God, family and friends - it’s a terrible passage in life, but you WILL get through it. God bless you all.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:47 am
If you can find a Financial Peace class for your mother and brothers it could really be helpful down the road. It makes finances easy.
I just went through this with mom last month and it really wasn’t that bad. Social Security is easy - pretty much just a phone call. Same with the Military if you deal with that - they were so helpful and made it all work quickly.
The funeral home will help out more than you realize if its a good one. And I echo not to spend too much on the funeral itself.
Good luck. Getting your mom on her feet where she feels confident and comfortable with taking all this on will be the hardest part. Find whatever system works for her and she can grasp easily.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:50 am
As an HR professional, let me encourage you to reach out to your Dad’s employer first. You’ll know what’s still coming in, when it will stop, etc. There will be someone in their HR dept or Benefits that can sit and walk you through all of this stuff in a detailed way. Take a notebook to write stuff down, and be sure to go with your Mom to listen to all of this.
Secondly, be prepared for the banks and other financial institutions to not do a darned thing for you without a death certificate. You’re on the right track, but they’re not likely to be helpful until you get that piece of paper. Get several notarized copies, and then make a folder full of non-notarized copies. Its your ticket to most things, macabre though it seems.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I’m so sorry. In terms of advice… Get your father’s death certificate ASAP - probably about 12 copies. Depending on what he did with names on accounts etc., you’re going to need it to change names on accounts, get passwords etc. If your mother’s name is not already on the account, they’ll need his death certificate, your mother’s ID, and their marriage certificate. Don’t forget to see who’s name all the assets are in - bank accounts, vehicles, housing, investments, and don’t forget utilities - that one usually slips through the cracks. And as another poster put - the most immediate thing is to get out cash for your mom to live on and for his arrangements. I didn’t see you mention it - so you may want to check if he had a will or living trust. While since they’re married, everything *should* automatically revert to your mom, you better check and see what arrangements he made (or didn’t make.)
January 20th, 2009 at 9:53 am
A dozen copies of the death certificate. Much easier to get them now all at once than have to try and get one later. I used all dozen plus some copies of them for places that didn’t need an original.
The funeral home will have a list of things to be done immediately.
The estate lawyer is almost a necessity to help out the personal representative.
Thoughts and prayers for strength with you and your family.
January 20th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I agree completely with the comments about funeral expenses. More expensive does not necessarily memorialize your father better. In times of grief, it’s easy to get sucked into what’s “right” according to a funeral director…when the fact is, you know what’s right for your family.
When my stepdad died, we went through the Neptune society for cremation, and had a simple and inexpensive service (that we basically arranged ourselves, including designing and printing the program). It was very personal, and I think having input into designing the program was therapeutic for my mom.
Another option might be not to have a formal service at all, but rather, take care of the burial issues through the funeral home. Then hold a private memorial at someone’s house, in order to celebrate his life.
January 20th, 2009 at 11:05 am
My sympathies are with you, I’ve been through this with my Mum when I was 21 and my Father-in-Law last year. Not sure if these things apply since I’m in the UK but we had issues with car insurance being only in one name and therefore lapsing instantly, like, we weren’t insured to drive home from hospital. Also, bank accounts get frozen if they are in one name only which left a family friend with no source of cash at all. Other than that, patience, time and good lists will make sure everything gets done.
January 20th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Oh, I am so sorry. Though emotionally I think you can never be prepared for a parent’s passing, how much more prepared you are now to deal with some of the nitty, gritty financial details and what a help you will be to your family through this difficult time. And you have this online support and knowledge base who have given you all this helpful advice already. Your work to build up your knowledge and improve your situation will now help your family, too, and also those of us who follow your blog and will ultimately deal with similar difficult circumstances. Our prayers will be with you, take care of yourself too, as you mourn. All of our love to you and your family.
January 20th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I am so sorry to hear about your loss.
My grandmother passed away quasi-suddenly a few months ago and I helped my mom (her eldest) deal with everything afterwards. There was no will/estate and my grandfather had passed many years ago so many things were pretty “easy” (from a hassle perspective) to deal with (closing CC accounts, etc). However, since she was the only name on her bank account, noone could access the funds within b/c it now belonged to the state. My mother had a power of attorney for all of my grandmother’s affairs, but the POA expires once someone passes away, so even though it wasn’t much, it still can’t be accessed.
All that to say, our biggest lesson learned was to always have someone else on a bank account (checking, savings, etc) in the absence of a will.
Again, I am so very sorry.
January 20th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I really do not have much advice that I can give, and it sounds like many previous posters are giving some great advice. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss. Thankfully you are there to help the rest of your family cope financially.. and then you each have the others to help with emotional side of it all. Time will heal, but the pain is still real. Always remember your father, he was after all, a lot of the reason you are here today. Without him, there would be no you. You have a lot to be thankful for.
January 20th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
I am so, so sorry. 58, so young! I lost mine at 84, it’s been 10 years now, and I still miss him every day of my life, even now. It’s never the “right time” to lose a parent, it propels us into adulthood (even if we are adults, and even if we have children of our own). Even as adults, when we lose our parents, we become orphans on some level.
When the dust settles, you will find the best way to “keep” and “honor” your dad. I know it’s a cliche but it’s true, he will always live on inside you.
This is not financial advice, but your kids are little, they probably have memories of him now but may not keep them. So I suggest you blow up and frame a recent photo of him (or your parents) and your kids (maybe from Xmas?) Seeing that photo will help your kids “remember” the concrete memories with your beloved dad.
All the best in these troubled times hon.
January 20th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I do actually have a piece of financial advice. I don’t have the name of the site, but it’s that “free money” or “lost money” site that gets posted periodically on PF blogs. Again, let some time go by, then do a research for both your parents, your siblings, etc. My sis and I did it recently and came up with a bunch of things.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I suggest giving yourself a few days to simply cry. Cry your heart out and just let the emotion flow.
Two of my good friends have suddenly lost parents in the last few years. They kept the emotion for too long to themselves. Once they opened up things got better.
Money matters CAN WAIT a few days.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. My mom passed away in June 2007. My parents were divorced for many years and I am the eldest. (I have 2 younger brothers) My mom was only 58, but we knew she advamced breast cancer. Even knowing this you never are prepared. I ended up becoming power of attorney, planning her furneral etc, mostly by myself and my husband, my brothers were no help. Everyone deals with death in their own way and don’t be surprised that other family members might not give you definitive answers on what to do. It can be frustrating, especially for those of us who like thing completed now and not wait. My mom’s work was great in helping us figure out how much life insurance she had. She owned no property and was in the middle of bankruptcy due to medical bills when she died. Not being married helped in her case. Had she been married the surviving spouse might have been responsible for the debts.
Either way…take a few days to go through his papers and get organized. Figure out how much the life insurance is and how the funeral expenses will be paid. They usually require funds 60 days or so after service. After that I would consider how much you will be involved with settling the estate. A consultation with an attorney will probably be your best bet.
The one thing I learned is that we all need to have a plan for our death. As much as it is a taboo subject, no one wants to talk about it, when the time comes we want it as easy as possible for our loved ones. Plan and let your loved ones know your wishes.
I wish you the best during this trying time.
Pam
January 20th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
I have been a reader for a few months now and I join in with everyone in expressing my sympathies for you loss.
Having helped my mom deal with the death of her mother a few years back I am seconding previous advice to get at least 10 coppies of the death certificate as you would be surprised at all of the places that require one before taking any kind of action. Also as others have mentioned please take your time with this and ask many questions.
One thing that hasn’t been mentioned is notifying any medical professionals that your father visited on a regular basis, especialy if there is a chance that he may have been due for a visit.
January 20th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I dont know if this was mentioned already but if you Dad was a Veteran, your Mom should be able to get burial assistance and also he might have had a life insurance policy through the military.
January 20th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
I found when you are under a lot of stress check lists help. TIAA-CREF has a group of great list of things that need attention when someone passes away. Here is the link. http://www.tiaa-cref.org/support/learningcenter/beneficiary-services/index.html
I am so sorry for your loss.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:54 am
I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. It sucks, big time. I agree w/ getting about a dozen Death Certificates. It’s way easier & cheaper now than it is later (and a much bigger pain-in-the-butt later). My Mom recently needed one about 8 years after my step-father passed.
Your plight motivated me to make up a list of accounts & passwords to all financial and auto bill paying accouints. I’m on my 3rd page of what is where & how to get at it. I’m trying to enable all the assets to be transferred to one master checking account, so if I’m unable to help, my wife will be able to access/transfer everything over the net, so that my state of life (or lack of it) won’t be a factor. Next month, I’ll be introducing her to the accounts. Again, I’m sorry.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:53 am
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I lost both of my parents. My died died in 2002 and my mom died in 2004 and to this day there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss them. I’m an only child so after mom passed I had to do all of the financial arrangements. The first thing to do is to take a step back and grieve, there will be time to handle the other things that come up. Get his insurance papers and file them as quickly as possible. When you go to the funeral home tell the director that you only have so much for a funeral and they will work with you. Your mom will need money to live on so I wouldn’t spend all of the insurance money on a funeral. Take care of yourself.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:37 am
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I would advise consulting an attorney, whether your Dad had a will or not. Your Mom needs to have her will reviewed and or written if she doesn’t have one. Also, make sure she has an up to date Power of Attorney and Health Care Proxy/Living Will. We did this for my Dad when my Mom passed away suddenly and needed them when my Dad got sick.
Also, make sure that in your Mother’s wallet or on her cell phone she has ICE (In Case of Emergency)contact information. Emergency responders should know to check cell phones for an ICE number. When my Dad got sick, there was no one at the home number to inform them he was in the hospital and he was having memory issues and couldn’t remember my name or number.
Finally, remember to take care of yourself. All of these things take time.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that after how much help you’ve offered through your blog that you will also experience an outpouring of help and good advice.
My thoughts are with you.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. You have received a lot of advice so I need not do so, but I am sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you and your family in the coming days.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I’d like to add an afterthought. If a notice of your dad’s passing appears in the newspapers, your mom should be advised not to talk to anyone who calls on the phone asking to discuss anything financial, no matter who they represent themselves to be. Tell her to give them your phone number or one of your siblings’ numbers and have them call you.
A lot of predators watch the obit columns to get the names of widows and widowers to whom they can pitch various scams. If she’s really naive about money, she should take the stance that no one who calls on the phone over the next six months or so should be trusted.
And along those lines, if you have any control over it, do not allow the paper to print your father’s mother’s full name (including her maiden name: …was the son of Jane Jones Doe and Harvey B. Doe of Ritzville, Nevada). This is one source used by identity thieves to craft fake identities in the name of the deceased.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Along with the many others here, my sympathies to you and your family.
My father passed away last August and it was quite sudden also. The reality of it hits you every once in awhile so be aware that it comes in waves for some people.
As far as advice goes, I would speak to the local town clerk if you have one as they were quite helpful in telling me what I needed to have to complete transfers, etc.. Dont forget about vehicles, titles, etc.. Alot of time people just focus on bills that need to be paid, remember, this is an estate and alot of creditors will waive late fees, or provide grace periods etc. once they learn the billable party has passed. Lastly, search for a period of time for any credit life that your father may have opted for, ESPECIALLY regarding the mortgages, if any.
Though there is alot to be done, take some time yourself to handle your own part of this.
Best Regards.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I can’t offer any advice that hasn’t been offered, but I will offer my condolences. I wish you safe journey and strength for the tasks before you.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:15 pm
My heartfelt condolences for your loss. There are no words to express the depth of the grief that settles in with an unexpected death. I have been trying for years to quantify loss, only to come up blank. I ache for you and your family, and you have whatever support I can give you. May faith and love guide your path from here.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:38 pm
I haven’t been through this, but was just thinking of you. Again, I am so sorry. Your mom is lucky to have you there to help her through this.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I am so very sorry for your loss, I think you have a lot of courage to be able to write about this so quickly.
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
You have received a wealth of good advice in the comments that I have read so far. I cannot offer additional advice but would like to offer my sincerest condolences on the loss of your father. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.
January 23rd, 2009 at 6:29 am
Hi there,
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I have not been through this yet and can’t imagine the day that it does. Just remember that time will lessen the hurt and that your family needs each other in this dark time.
January 23rd, 2009 at 2:29 pm
My sympathies for your loss. I would say (from experience), is to give yourself a bit of time to grieve. When my mother, and then her parents passed away a few years later (my granftaher first who managed the money), we took all of the same steps as you. My mothers parents were much worse is that they did not keep very good records. At the time we were able to obtain their credit reports, once we had proof of their death which helped to determine what open lines they had, as well as obligations. The banks were a bit easier, as my grandfather did manage to keep bank statements. Dealing with SS, was honestly not too bad, but I think your fathers employer will be able to answer many questions.
You will be in my prayers.
January 23rd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mom is lucky to have you to help her out!
January 23rd, 2009 at 5:51 pm
I lost my father suddenly when I was 12.
Obviously at that age I had no hand in arrangements and so I have no advice other than to say your Mother will need you and to offer my sincere condolences.
January 23rd, 2009 at 8:47 pm
My daughter died suddenly when she was 23. Your Mom will go through the motions and do what needs to be done, but she will be in shock for quite a while.
Be gentle with yourself and your family.
January 24th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I’m so sorry. I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to send my condolences. Take the time you need; we will be here when you are ready to come back.
January 24th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad a few years ago and it still hurts.
Talk to an Estate Lawyer. He can give you insight on what your mom should do with any pensions, ss, etc. Also he can set something up for her/your future.
My thoughts are with you.
January 25th, 2009 at 1:32 am
I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so numbing and shocking to lose a loved one. They are right about the death certificate. My mom moved in to live with us after my dad died, and we called to cancel the phone service (it was in my dad’s name) and they said that they needed his permission. When I told them that he had died they said they still couldn’t do it. The gal was totally lost as to what to do and at first wouldn’t even accept the death certificate but she eventually did.
It will be quite an adjustment for you all, your mom most of all, as it doesn’t seem real at first. The shock and all the busy-ness lasts for awhile so my mom didn’t really start to fully grieve until at least six months later.
I would not put my name on her checkbook without checking with an attorney first. There is a certain way you have to do it with the bank, otherwise you will be responsible for her bills and creditors can come after you. If you do it the right way, you’ll be fine. This is what I was told, anyway. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
January 28th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I’m so sorry.
My mom passed years ago and I still miss her every day.
On to you. One thing that was critical for me was to do NO SELLING or buying financial instruments, or making any financial decisions for at least six months. You are still too raw. People will call you and you just tell them you’ll call them back in six months (or not!) If your Mom doesn’t need the money, consider just watching the 401K for awhile, a year or more.
If she has gotten life insurance, she does not need to make any decisions either, only use the money for bills and general upkeep. Don’t share information with relatives or strangers or friends. People get weird ideas about other people’s money.
Again, I’m so sorry.