Examining Expectations – You Are Not The Jones
Last night we put up our Christmas tree. We typically spend the actual holiday with my parents and inlaws, so we haven’t had a huge tree or decorations at our own house for several years now. But my son is now four, and notices things like Christmas trees and decorations, and requested that we do something at our house this year.
So we got our tree out of the attic and put it up. It is a small tree – my spouse likes to call it the “Charlie Brown Tree” after the cartoon special with the tiny tree. I was worried that my son would be unhappy and disappointed in the tree and its lack of grandeur. But he was truly thrilled. I collected some bows and other festive odds and ends we had around the house to use as ornaments, and a string of green lights that was originally meant to be an outside Halloween decoration, and we livened up the little tree for display in our playroom.
And as I watched my son look upon the tree with delight, I realized that it was my own internal expectations of what I thought Christmas decorations and a tree should be that was shaping my expectation of my son’s reaction. I thought my son would be disappointed because I internally expect a Christmas tree to be a huge thing with tons of lights and fancy decorations. But my son has no such expectation. he probably will in the future, but for now, he is very happy to have what we have.
So, going forward, I am attempting to try and let go of my preconceived notions. A lot of what I think is normal or average or expected is based upon ideas I’ve picked up somewhere about how something should be. But it doesn’t have to be. Life can be what we make it, not what I expect it to be from the start. As long as I realize that my expectations are built from what I’ve observed instead of what I truly need.
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:55 am
I love this. It’s so true. My husband and I often joke that our 2-1/2 year old daughter has no idea that money is tight for mommy and daddy. She’s a very happy little girl, and the things in her life have had very little to do with it.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:12 am
Reminds me of a quote I read by Larry Wilde: “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all thirty feet tall.”
So true!
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:33 am
Don’t forget that you have the power to shape his expectations as well! And he might be disappointed a few years down the road if you get a fancy-shmancy Christmas tree with all the bells and whistles. Creating memories is the most valuable part of the season.
I freaked out when my parents ditched our “Charlie Brown Tree” in favor of a pre-lit one. Even though the tree we had before was completely falling apart. It was part of our tradition and that was what made it special.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Based on personal experience and those of many others, I have a suggestion for you. Now that your son is 4, its time to have Christmas at home and keep it that way while they are young. Let the parents and inlaws visit you. Start your own traditions, big or small.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
@ToughMoneyLove – we live ~1000 miles from all of our extended family, both sides. They all live (uncles, cousins, everyone included) within about 20 miles of each other. We’re the outliers. If we didn’t travel, we wouldn’t see any family at all on the holidays. it is our one big trip per year.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
We had the same geographic issues as you and it was a Christmas tradition to travel cross country to visit relatives, as well as friends from my childhood. I personally think it’s important to make visiting relatives a very big, memorable deal, and Christmas is the perfect opportunity.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
For following years, be sure to check out after-Christmas specials which inevitable happen to excess decorations. I’ll bet many retailers will have fire sale prices so that you can have the future Christmas you dream of inexpensively.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
So true! I can still remember our “Charilie Brown” tree when I was the age of your son. It was beautiful to me even though it was just a scrub cedar from the pasture. It still brings back wonderful memories to me. While going through my parents storage house after they passed away, we found some of their old ornaments. They were just cheap little dime-store ones but I treasure them far above anything I could buy at the most exclusive department store.
Thanks for this wonderful post!
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Life is a matter of attitude – and gratitude – as you have just learned from your son!
I think the best decorations on my tree are the ornaments my kids and grandkids have made thru the years!
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Creating Christmas memories need have little to do with buying, rather the feelings associated with them. A family creates their own memories, and as you point out they don’t have to be a continuation of past, pre-family, preconceived traditions or experiences. We started fresh, with DH and I coming from very different backgrounds and living in an area far away from family. We spent lots of time doing things together and including the kids’ friends in activities costing very little: making ornaments, hosting cookie decorating parties, visiting Santa, caroling, going to a Christmas tree farm, so forth. We started when my oldest was 4. The only regret was the tradition, started by both grandparents, of lots of presents, and making opening them a center piece of Christmas Day. If I had it to do again, I’d also have made somehow helping the less fortunate (serving a meal, donating gifts, etc) a big part of their holiday activities.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:43 pm
This is so right on! I think we all have done this at some point or another. But I think the challenge is taking this beyond Christmas and into all aspects of our everyday life. Whether it’s the birthday party, the size of your home, what kind of car you drive, or what kind of clothes you have. It’s a great reminder that more often we should stand back and put things into perspective. What’s really important???
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I have a Charlie Brown tree also. My 20 year old and I live in a second floor apartment and lugging a huge tree up 2 flights was something I didn’t want to do this year. I found a wonderful little tree that we put on a low table. With the other simple decorations around our home, it looks very festive, indeed!
December 5th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
My children are almost grown and while we really try to keep a check on how much influence our culture has on our view of things, it does filter in. Those days when the kids were younger are such precious memories as now it gets harder and harder for us to have a ‘simple’ Christmas. I agree with one of your readers that if it’s possible, let the grandparents visit you on Christmas. It’s time to start letting your children enjoy their Christmas gifts all day long in the pj’s instead of having them stop playing to get dressed to head somewhere else.
Blessings…
December 11th, 2008 at 1:57 am
I just stumbled across your blog…and I LOVE it. Thank you!